For the last few days I’ve been trying to write, but the words don’t come out. Too much on my mind, too many things I want to write about. And with this accumulation of words, each theme bleeds into the other until, in my mind, there is a numb ball of exasperation, feeling that all these words will dissipate into thin air, nothing to grasp between the fingers. Perhaps I’ve been reading too many ideas by others and spent too much time dwelling looking inward, at the map thrown across the dome of my thoughts. It is like gazing at a night sky, with a star field of ideas and emotions and knowledge suspended in ignorance and forgetfulness; there is always too much to learn and contemplate.
Earlier this evening I exchanged some enlightening and disturbing comments with Fujiko Suda on her post about Bush’s visit to Japan yesterday. Her thoughts made me deeply rethink my own tendency to “know it all” about what is right and wrong, and about how self-righteous my attitude is, condemning others for shaking up the world, while I feel that I remain innocent. She mentioned “hate” and at first I protested, saying that those involved with the antiwar movement do not protest out of hate, but fear, anger, and love of the world. Yet, when I even glimpse a picture of Bush my stomach turns over and I often react by grimacing and raising my fist at the image. I’ve denied it, but the truth is that, yes, I do hate. I hate very deeply.
I’ve fallen into the trap.
I need to get away from the screen, from bombardments of words, from rhetoric and discontent. I need to dive into my core and find that lake of stillness where I can shake the burrs loose. I’ve been walking lost among the thorns for so long that I concentrate on on the scratches and the pain they bring out, instead of standing still and reorienting myself. I need to let go, once again, of the gathering knot of anger and hate towards all that abstractness. I need to find what is real and concrete. What I can touch and use for my own health. The waters of solace and refuge.
The mountains can do that very well for me.