Late afternoon sunlight casting shadows amidst the sand dunes in Oregon Dunes State Park, Oregon, U.S.A.
Just when I thought all contact with old friends had somehow died away I received a letter from my oldest and dearest friend three days ago. I hadn’t heard from her in more than a year. It was mainly my fault for having shut myself away and frozen in time with my correspondence; the person who used to write twenty-page handwritten letters had fallen into silence.
That is the strange thiing with e-mail: the range of potential people to keep in touch with has expanded dramatically, with instant contact possible, but a person only has so many hours in a day and keeping up with everyone is simply not possible. Back in the days of writing letters by hand, supplemented by the occasional long-distance phone call, the number of people to regularly write to was limited to the list of people jotted down in an address book. Writing by hand took time, and only a few people made the effort to put that time in. The circle of pen pals remained small, but dedicated and the care with which we shared our letters showed up in such things as the choice of letter paper and envelopes, in small trinkets and photos we included in the folds of the paper, like pressed dried flowers or four-leaf clovers, locks of hair from a loved one, feathers, scented glitter, or even, once, the ragged wing of a mourning cloak butterfly. Some of us put great effort into getting our handwriting just right, often using fountain pens with flared nibs so that the vertical strokes thickened and the horizontal strokes thinned. And after all this work the letters took two weeks or more to make it around the world, sometimes bearing the effects of the real world on them in the form of wrinkles and coffee stains and washed out addresses. The letters themselves sometimes bore the evidence of the sender’s state of mind, from angrily crossed out words and kiss marks to greasy finger prints and tear drops.
A.’s e-mail letter arrived just when the downturn in faith in these old friendships had reached its lowest point. Handwritten letters from friends or even family had reached an all time low… the last handwritten letter I received was last August when, after I lamented to my father about the passing of the tradition of writing letters by hand, he sent me, just across town, a letter in sympathy. I check my mailbox regularly and, sad to say, more often than not, it is empty.
I first met A. in 1974 in a summer camp along the Elbe River in northern Germany, not too far north of my birth place, Hannover. We were both 14 then. I was a gangly, shy boy with shoulder length hair, a wide-brimmed denim hat with an azure-winged magpie tail feather, and bell-bottom jeans. A. stayed in the girl’s tent next to mine and I first noticed her talkiing to the other girls out in the courtyard, her long brown hair swinging behind her as she pranced about, constantly running. She was always laughing and had the most penetrating eyes, that, to this day, still stand out as the first thing you notice about her.
I fell in love with her, but was much too shy to make the first move. A ten-year-old boy named Dietmar, who slept next to me in my tent, full of boundless energy and absolutely nuts about soccer, noticed the way I gazed at A. He stood in front of me one afternoon during the siesta, with his hands on his hips, frowning.
“So, when are you going to talk to her?”, he demanded.
I had been dozing so his words caught me off guard. “Huh?”
“Come on, anyone can see you’re nuts about her.” He sat down next to me. “Just go and talk to her.”
“What if she’s not interested?”
“You never know unless you try.”
I glanced over at the girl’s tent, hope making my heart beat. “Yeah, I know. But…”
Dietmar lay down on his side and looked me squarely in the eye. “Look, how about this. You write her a letter and I’ll bring it to her.”
“What? You? What do you have to do with this?”
“Nothing. Just call me your local Cupid. Besides, I’m not sleepy and want to do something. And the girls will let a ten-year-old boy into their tent.”
So I hunkered down and hashed out a short letter in (awkward) German. Dietmar peered over my shoulder and corrected the mistakes. When I was done he snatched it from my hand before I could reconsider, folded it in four, and dashed out of the tent.
Twenty minutes passed during which my heart thundered in my ears and my hands turned to ice. I began to think the whole thing was a stupid mistake when Dietmar suddenly slipped back into the tent, grinning. He held up a folded piece of paper. “She asked me to give this to you.”
I took the letter from him and opened it. I read.
What nice things to write about me. I would enjoy getting to know you. Let’s meet at dinner and talk then.
And so began my illustrious foray into the world of women.
We spent the two weeks together dancing, going for walks, holding hands while watching the evening movies, eating dinner together, learning to sail, running in the foot races, in which A. beat everyone in the camp. Our dance song was “Lady Lay” by Michel Polnareff. I discovered the wonderful scent of her, which even today lingers in my mind like a veil.
One evening we were standing beside the camp’s small lake watching the sun set over the Elbe River. For once we were alone and we held hands tightly. I don’t know exactly when the urge overcame my hesitation, but our eyes met and we both knew what we wanted next. I awkwardly groped at her elbow, to which she grabbed my hand, placed it on her waist, and whispered, “Like this!”
We kissed. I remember it as one of the softest, warmest moments in my life, with the bright glint of the sun washing between our faces and for me, the whole world suddenly consisting solely of A., her hair, her fingers, the soft give of her chest, the sweetness of her breath, her lips.
It was what I had always imagined it would be.
But we only had two weeks. The camp finally came to an end and we all had to return home, first back to Hannover on the bus, and, for me, on across the oceans back to Japan, a lifetime away. The last I saw of A. that time was as she was greeted by her mother and sister while my grandfather and grandmother greeted my brother and me. The street car pulled us apart and the pain in my heart echoes even as I write this thirty years later.
We kept in touch. We wrote letters to one another every week for the first year, and gradually settled to about once every two or three months. Since the camp we met six times, the last time with my wife, when we stayed at her apartment. We’ve shared all our stories, the loves in our lives, the losses and joys. After telling me about one awful event in her life, A. wrote a letter expressing how she treasured our friendship and was glad that it had lasted through all the changes in our lives. The last time we met we spoke about those first two weeks together and she shocked me with the news that she hadn’t liked me at first, but had gradually warmed to me through the persistence of my letters. She hugged me then and said, “But am I glad that you did persist!”
A. is married a second time now, and has a child, whom I haven’t met yet. I hope to meet her husband and son some day. I look across the oceans and can frame a life there, someone whom I’ve met only a few times in a long while, but who remains one of the dearest and most enduring of friends. It isn’t often I can say this about people whom I’ve met and befriended. A.’s friendship remains a treasure that I value above almost everything else in my life. If I were to lose it life would be a much bleaker place.
A toast and great embrace to you, A. Thank you for being there for most of my life.
11 replies on “First Kiss”
What a beautiful post, Butuki. Thanks for this.
Thanks Pica, and thanks for joining up. I know it’s a pain, but life without spam is certainly a lot quieter. Maybe too quiet. There has been no activity at all on this site… my site statistics page shows no visits to this site whatsoever. Not sure what exactly I did wrong…
You did nothing wrong. People have yet to find you are back. As a matter of interest, it was a male friend (person I mentioned in last posting) who let me know about your site and he is a regular visitor. You write so sensitively and beautifully and your photographs are wonderful, visitors will return.
Butuki: we have deleted about 300 spam messages in the last four days. I think it’s just fine you did this. My RSS feed isn’t working quite right for your site and I’m not sure why but it hasn’t stopped me from coming to check!
Hi Butuki – I’ve been blog-browsing this afternoon and have lingered at yours – beautiful photos, and I’ve really enjoyed your writing. I look forward to reading more. Fab blog title too! Fiona
What a sweet story.
She and you are lucky to know each other.
Hi Miguel! I’ve managed to register, so here’s my fist comment on your lovely re-designed blog! You asked if I object to registering – I guess I hate remembering all the hundreds of passwords needed for everything these days! Yet, I understand the reason.
I’m so happy to have you back in blogland, just found you again a while ago by checking your link out of curiosity, so I’ve been reading it! My RSS reader is an older version & doesn’t read your version.
This story is a wonderful one! Thanks for sharing it. You are blessed in having old friends.
Hi Fionarobyn, Anne-Mieke, and Marja-Leena (my, how long everyone’s names are!) I really appreciate your taking the time to sign up and I’m really sorry to ask everyone to do it… it’s a pain, I know, and not the most friendly of gestures on my part. I was just truly fed up with all my spam (more than 300 a day!) and wanted to have a quiet place here. So, thanks.
Marja-Leena, unfortunately this site design is not yet my new one. This is the default WordPress design that everyone gets out of the box. I’m workiing hard on my own design, but it’s a big job and will probably take a month or more to complete. I’ve put this up in the meantime, just to stay abrest of the community.
Looking at the list of women readers who’ve left comments here (only two men), I have been wondering about all this recent talk about there being so few women bloggers… My experience shows that, at least for the interesting blogs that I tend to frequent, women far outnumber the men. Anyone have any opinions on that? Why do so few men leave comments here? And if it something about the way I’ve stated my thoughts and feelings in the past, why then do women make the effort to sign up, if I am so disruptive? This has really got me curious…
That’s terribly beautiful.
(the photograph caught me up short, too — those extraordinary blues in the shadowed driftwood — home.)
koshtra… having you here means a lot more than I will say here, but you know what I mean. The events of February have changed me and the way I both use and view the internet. I seek more serenity and authenticity, and less surety about my convictions. One thing I am certain is that I am not sure about anything any more. It is all shadows and veils and flickering flames. And soemwhere in the midst of all the movement I move, too.